Return to Sender

I'm starting to feel more and more like damaged goods. It made me uncomfortable to read a romantic scene in a book today. That's never happened before. I feel like parts of my brain are rusting over and I don't know what to do about it.

People stare at me blankly when I try to communicate my problem. Nonchalantly they tell me I could waltz into any bar and pluck a man like fruit from low branches and devour him. Which sounds sort of sexy when I rework their words here... but regardless. This is such a silly idea. People here didn't see me in high school or middle school.... it takes an indescribable amount of will to look at people's eyes. I'm so damned afraid of people, that I have to develop a multiple personality disorder to maintain an illusion of social normalcy.

My two halves are straining against one another. One needs to be coaxed from the rafters after 3 vodka shots while the other practices the Perl programming assignments from class ..for fun.

I think I'm having an identity crisis. It's becoming difficult managing both personalities - one wakes up early for class and the other stays out til 2AM. It's wearing me out. I'm tired. God, I could use some company from that perfect dark-haired boy that's lived in my dreams for the past 3 years or so.... haven't seen him in a while.


Maybe I should try to arrange that....

zzz

Devil May Not Care

I've been watching an anime series called Soul Eater. HIGHLY recommended.. it's like a love child of Naruto (action), Bleach (theme), and FLCL (cheekiness).

There's one character with OCD. He obsesses on bilateral symmetry and perfect aesthetic. It inspired me to indulge a little and I shaped and buffed 2 toenails for about an hour.... at which point I gave up and painted them all. Silver.

The prettiest boy that I went to high school with started talking to me randomly on facebook. Shortly after breaking up with his girlfriend. I don't know what to think about that. In high school he was a freshman when I was a senior plus I had my pockets full loving my very favorite x-boyfriend.. so little Andrew was filed away under 'untouchable' and cross-referenced to 'unthinkable'.

In a (highly Freudian) attempt to make a film in high school he agreed to play the part of a character written for Vlad. I followed him around with a video camera for a few days. His friends thought I was weird. *crooked smile*

I often wonder if my film project had anything at all to do with his choice to pursue acting as a career... or if that was always his dream. I've never had the guts to ask. Cuz if it had nothing at all to do with me I'd feel pretty stupid for asking.

Of dragons and vampires...

I finished the book I was reading. New Moon by Stephenie Meyer (I don't know why she insists on misspelling her name).

I don't know if everyone does this but when I finish a book I like to stare at the wall and process it in its entirety. In that moment, upon finishing New Moon, I thought to myself. "Huh, the only reasonable explanation is that Vlad is a vampire." The resemblance is just uncanny. I wonder if she could be a fan of my blog. HA!

Most of all it makes me feel a twinge of regret, if I could feel such a thing. Bella got it right in New Moon where I failed in real life. If I could only have verbalized the source of my pain accurately.. maybe he would understand.

It brings back a conversation with my 'dragon' coworker so many years ago, one night after the closing shift at Hollywood Video. "I don't think Vlad will be in your life forever. I don't see that as his role." "What is his role then, asshole?" "I think.... he's going to stop you from doing something you want, something not good for you, becoming a vampire. When he leaves it will be for your own good."

I looked at David then with a half smirk, not surprised by his outrageous claims - which I expected and was secretly fond of. I think I was the only person at the video store who could tolerate him. I really liked our nocturnal conversations about the occult and insane things we both loved. And I could never see an end to Vlad and my relationship so the comment never offended me.


David was right about one thing... I do want an eternity of my own... if only that were the reason he was ignoring me. Heh.

I don't intend for this post to go in a melodramatic direction... I only thought how funny it was that my immediate reaction was 'vlad must be a vampire'. Heh. The impaler.... That used to be funny.

I saw you standing alone.

I went to a drag show today (queens not cars) and I was an emo boy for the occasion. Taped up and everything. Not that it's too hard to pull off flat chested, she said with joy in self-mockery.

I started reading New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. Vampire novels written by someone named Stephanie. It's uncanny how much it resembles my life (minus the vampires, sadly). Especially the second book. I have dry tears on my face from all the self-pity the book brings to the surface.

I feel like I know what's going to happen next, not because the books are predictable, but because they've already happened.

"I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different - my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes..."

October. The months fall like leaves against a painted backdrop. Everything is fake now. And I can only sit and pretend to find the falling leaves beautiful. But it sends a chill down me, into my soul. That this could last for eternity....

Year by year. Like the last 4. Each one of those were broken up by a summer. Those rare sunny days spent in LA or frantically in front of a computer monitor, struggling to resist the manic urge to dance. Sometimes not resisting the urge to dance in a grocery store or somewhere equally public and embarrassing. This was the first year without a summer. A whole year dead.

As I read New Moon, a voice inside me screams out "Come back!" I just read 140 pages more than I intended hoping Edward would return to Bella, so that I could sleep. These books have made the Vlad nightmares return. Always out of reach. Searching dreams. Dreams without hope. There's 2 more books in the series though, so I know that he'll return eventually. Fairy tale endings and whatnot....

October Already?

I've started making Halloween costumes for Jerry and myself. He still has that new roommate smell. I can't believe it's October again already. Jerry's going to be some character Ike from a video game and also in the new Smash Brothers game which I haven't played yet. I'm going to be Harley Quinn from the animated Batman series.... for many reasons.

1. I love Batman villains. I would rather be catwoman, but my spider senses tell me that Christopher Nolan is going to put her in the next movie (please please please) and I will do that costume next year.

2. It has come to my attention that I do Harley's voice well.

3. With Dark Knight coming out this summer, there will undoubtedly be a ton of Jokers. And I look forward to going up to random strangers and saying things like "There you are Mistah J. I was so worried about you puddin'. Why haven't you called?" And then scamper off with arms flailing. Aaaah yes, I can see it all now.

Gotta find joy in the little things. Coz there's nothing else left to stave off the cold. It's wearing thin, yes. Lot's of parties recently. Ended up in Jeff's bed last week, after months of inactivity on that front. Better judgment or fear made me get up and leave. He pushed me down on the couch playfully in a desperate attempt to stop me from leaving. It almost worked. I don't understand him. I don't understand men. Jeff won't sleep with me, he just tries to get me in bed, then psyches himself out on moral grounds because he has a girlfriend he doesn't like but won't break up with. I'm so bored with that.

All work and all play make Steph a tired girl. Too tired to care about boyfriends or serial killers or returning phone calls or facebook profiles or drug addict family members.


I want to be a super villain. Or morally neutral like Aeon Flux. Oh.. or maybe I already am and Jeff is Trevor Goodchild. That's why we will never be together... hehe... that does make me feel better about the situation strangely......