I saw you standing alone.

I went to a drag show today (queens not cars) and I was an emo boy for the occasion. Taped up and everything. Not that it's too hard to pull off flat chested, she said with joy in self-mockery.

I started reading New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. Vampire novels written by someone named Stephanie. It's uncanny how much it resembles my life (minus the vampires, sadly). Especially the second book. I have dry tears on my face from all the self-pity the book brings to the surface.

I feel like I know what's going to happen next, not because the books are predictable, but because they've already happened.

"I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different - my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes..."

October. The months fall like leaves against a painted backdrop. Everything is fake now. And I can only sit and pretend to find the falling leaves beautiful. But it sends a chill down me, into my soul. That this could last for eternity....

Year by year. Like the last 4. Each one of those were broken up by a summer. Those rare sunny days spent in LA or frantically in front of a computer monitor, struggling to resist the manic urge to dance. Sometimes not resisting the urge to dance in a grocery store or somewhere equally public and embarrassing. This was the first year without a summer. A whole year dead.

As I read New Moon, a voice inside me screams out "Come back!" I just read 140 pages more than I intended hoping Edward would return to Bella, so that I could sleep. These books have made the Vlad nightmares return. Always out of reach. Searching dreams. Dreams without hope. There's 2 more books in the series though, so I know that he'll return eventually. Fairy tale endings and whatnot....