Skeletons

I'm looking out at the off-gray sky over LA and I can't help but think that this is where all the skeletons in my closet sleep.

There was a celebrity on our plane but I missed her. An actress from Queen Elizabeth. In fact she was Queen Elizabeth if I remember correctly. I've been to LA enough times but I never see famous people, I guess I don't look hard enough.

Waste

I'm watching NYC Prep, because I'm sick of hearing about Michael Jackson on the news. NYC Prep is a soulless vapid shit TV show about 16 year olds, similar to the LA shows with identical premise. I realized something... people from New York are really awkward looking. None of them are ugly... just really strange and gawky. Maybe it's because they're teenagers.

I'm really tired of TV. Thanks to Jerry I read thru a great webcomic "Wasted Talent". Good art style and cute sense of humor. A lot of the humor surrounds the bizarre language she shares with her boyfriend, which is just strange enough to be endearing rather than obnoxious. They both call eachother "Jam", which is a weird pet name for one person and a weirder pet name for two people to call one another. I also like her moments of taking things teachers say literally. Like "for the following calculation assume there is no air resistance" and then imagining people getting killed by rain, assuming there is no air resistance. Hilarious nerd humor.

http://www.wastedtalent.ca/index.php?view=10

The art does get MUCH better 300 pages later.

Steady State Equation

I was at work until almost 8pm today. I started working at 11 though, so I'm not sure if that makes me a workaholic or incredibly lazy. I kept working when I got home.. I like making manuscript figures. Looking beyond my laptop, I can see three bags of canvas and a pile of paper on my living room floor. They're hungry for ink and blood. I can't feed them.

My plate is full. I've reached that steady-state where I don't have time to do extra enjoyable things... but that in itself is strangely enjoyable. I think it's the TV. I am a slave to it. It's the only thing that turns my brain off at night. I tried reading the other day and stayed up til 3AM.

Somehow I still find 2 hours in my day to search for a karaoke version of Coin-operated Boy by Dresden Dolls. Why is it that the only place you can find this song is a random bar in Philly? Karaoke Obscura.

Ah time management.

I really don't care

I can't stress how much I do not care about Carrie Prejan or the miss ANYTHING pageantry, but oh my god.... I can't help it.

She's on my television crying about her goddamn rights as an American. Civil-fucking-rights. People criticizing her are attacking HER rights of free speech.

Yet she feels gay people don't have the right to marry. She doesn't give a fuck about civil rights of Americans. Empty-eyed hypocritic bitch. She is gross. The whole pageant is gross.

O_O

Oh. my. god. Tim Burton has just completed filming Alice in Wonderland with

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter!

Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar!

Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat!

holy shit. This is going to be good. Can't wait to see '9' either. Tim Burton is making good movies again yay!

Crocs horrify me

Hahahah yes! Clinton Kelly said it, so it must be true. Those abominations that people confuse with shoes, Crocs are "one of the signs of the apocalypse." "Unless you are a gardener or a cook."

I'm sick but it's not the flu, especially not the new strain that i've been ranting about for two weeks. Lame. So I'm sitting around watching What Not to Wear.

Swine flu, really?

Oh my God, this hype. All flu's are swine flus or chicken flus. That's where flus come from!

I saw Anderson Cooper interviewing some teenager about her swine flu survival story. She was like "yeah I got sick last thursday, I had a fever of 103, and I felt bad."

"It's been 4 days. How do you feel now?"

"Fine"


...... that's because it's just a new strain of regular influenza. It will probably be pandemic because it's new and you don't have antibodies against it. "Pandemic" just means lots of people get it. There is a flu pandemic every 8-10 years. Do you remember getting the flu like 10 years ago? Yeah. I know I did. I think I was in third grade, I threw up a lot, but I didn't get an interview with Anderson Cooper.

Alerting the public like this just makes more people think they're sick with the latest killer virus. Is there a word for the opposite of placebo effect?

Real Women Have Vaginas

If I hear "Real women have curves" one more time... I swear to god....

The Stars Don't Shine For You No More

What do you say when someone tells you that they miss it how you used to manipulate the reality around them? When someone tells you that you made them shine. You made them light up like a Starry Night and you're Van Gogh? It sounds so strange coming from someone I stopped giving a damn about 4 or 5 months ago.

Curious. So perceptive but the emotional capacity of a brick. Oh well, that's spilled milk. Or really there was never even milk in the glass to begin with. Just anticipation without action. And then boredom.

And closed chapters.

I've got more important things to occupy me now. A more important person, who's unbreaking me. Somehow.

Not a Poetry Metaphore

As a rule, I try not to correct people unless I am close to them - and only because I don't want them to sound stupid and get made fun of later. At a friend's house tonight, I met said friend's new boyfriend. He said something so wrong, my eyelid twitched a little but I couldn't say anything because I'd only just met this guy.

"Greek and Russian are really similar languages. They even share an alphabet. Yeah, it's acrylic."

/twitch .... can't. paint. with. Russian alphabet, which is totally different from Greek... aaaaaaaah. No one else noticed how wrong this statement was either. Or maybe they were just being polite as me. It wouldn't be so bad but he went on to talk about how good he was at remembering useless knowledge and trivia. Sort of smug about it.

Dimitri was in the bathroom too. I don't think he would've let the Greek comment slide. I think that would have been a 'fail' to that Greek test we were talking about.

Lion Tamer

Never thought bringing a lamb to a slaughterhouse could tame a lion. What I can only perceive as innocence and trust and sincerity got the best of me. Just like that. In one night.

Little toy, became something more. Softening the edges and dull pains. Make my heart race. I apologize if I make you faint. Touch my skin like it's glass, delicate or dangerous. Not easily forgettable.

Self Diagnosis

After hearing about Russell Brand's alleged 'sex addiction' I had to do some internet research to see whether or not it sounded like a publicity stunt or a real medical problem. And the descriptions written by the sexually repressed got me giggling...

"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.”

"Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services, and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help."

HAHAHAHAHAHA uh oh. I've got another self diagnosis!

I love that they lump phone sex and internet porn with prostitution...

Oh my god, even better. The same website has a "top 10 myths about masturbation" and it is hilarious.

#7 Do Kellog's cornflakes make you not want to masturbate?

"Mr. Kellogg thought sex was the ultimate abomination and remained celibate even in marriage. Masturbation was the worst sin imaginable to him. He believed it led to leprosy, tuberculosis, heart disease, epilepsy, dimness of vision, insanity, idiocy, and death. He also preached that masturbation led to bashfulness in some people, unnatural boldness in others, a fondness for spicy foods, round shoulders, and acne."

HAHAHAHHAAH round shoulders wtf?

Wearing Cheshire

I just watched Russell Brand's New York stand-up special on Comedy Central. Sexy sexy man.

He inspires me to be more of an outrageous narcissistic megalomaniac than I already am. And without feeling embarrassed about it later.

"No I'm purely a fan [of futbol], I have no sporting ability. The only things I'm good at which involve exercise and sweating necessarily end in orgasm." The words are not so funny as the absolute sincerity in which he delivers them. When are you touring the balmy California coast, love?

Holy shit I'm making art tonight on a canvas! Sadly, I'm inspired by looming deadlines which culminate in next tuesday and will be a total shit storm.

Torrid Love Affairs with Cities

I just got back from Hong Kong. Where do I sign to expatriate? I fell in love with that country, it had me at the MTR (subway). I'm home now and I haven't even unpacked from New Orleans yet. Oh man. I've never travelled this much in such a short period of time. Just to add to the strangeness of my recent life.

Came home to another mix "tape" CD taped to my door. How come this doesn't feel as wrong as it is?

The fracture in my heart finally splintered in two and divided reason from thought. But I never stop dreaming about that perfect life I saw painted inside my head. In reds and blues. 'And everyone's just a different shade of you.' -- 'Suicide Machine' by Hum.

I've been awake since 2AM... a little jet-lagged.

Ni Hao

I found out today that I'm going to Hong Kong tomorrow for work.

Oh snap.

It sucks. All the language CDs and 99% of phrasebooks at Borders are for Mandarin. There were absolutely zero CDs for Cantonese. So I'll have to be a stupid gwai lao and bank on the rumor that "everyone" in Hong Kong speaks english. I'm traveling on my own too and meeting people at the hotel there. Hahaha. This is going to be fun. It's a good thing I'm sagittarius. I live for this kind of thing.

I got a The Knife album taped to my door today from my not-so-secret admirer. Life has never been so strange.

Neither Here Nor There

Well I've got to come to some middle ground after the last two posts. As I've discovered that I have a very irresponsible concept of love.

The left hand will have to shake hands and agree to cover my eyes when the right hand is doing. My smile is getting more crooked all the time.

a.k.a. New Orleans was fun.

I'm a soldier?

I remember why I drew this now.

My memory problem has gotten so bad. I know that my memory is broken but it still surprises me how I can forget the things I forget. Luckily I write memories down sometimes. I just read a 4 page synopsis of my last trip to LA, written on some graph paper that had been stuffed in my closet over a year ago. It reads a bit like a quirky romance novel. The visual parts of the story, I remember quite clearly - I remember the different restaurants and the halloween party. But I had forgotten the words.

There are things that were said that trip.... that define me in my view of the world. The reasons why I cannot stop loving someone. Things were said that if really and truly true, would crush my heart with the weight of their gravity. And they did then. They do now after reading my memories.

They make my moonlit deliriums not worth having. I asked how you'd gotten to be so bad and you told me I taught you everything you know. You told me to never leave again. I'd closed off this part of my memory because I can't deal with the guilt of leaving again and the silence sounds like hatred.

I don't want any other person.

I know you're not perfect but I like you just the same.... and your face is balls.

Hahaha... Fuck, I honestly did not remember saying that.

Card 13

A whimsical boy with fantastic teeth put a bandaid on my heart last night. I remember what it's like to want something that isn't yours.

And he certainly isn't mine. But for one night we agreed to play in a world that cannot exist. We shook on it... or held hands depending on how you look at it. It was a world more perfect than the one I imagined. A world with zombies and a stack of 16 microwaves with a keyboard on top. And one white fence a block from my house. He does yoga, and He has more teeth than me, I'm sure of it. the better to eat you with she whispered. He picked me up and carried me across some threshold of sanity that I never dared cross.

I haven't felt this sort of thing in so very very long. He is strange. He loves music. And he said "I never thought a girl like you would ever find someone like me attractive" and I wonder what I am made of that could possibly compete with someone made of star dust and lucky charms and... well mushrooms, honestly.

I'm so enamored with last night. Especially now that I'm alone in my room and I can hear the clubs downtown pulsing. I can feel that in my blood. Magic and whimsy. I kept preying for delirium to take me and he did... He did.

Early Valentines Treats. Conversation hearts?

I have this habit of having entire conversations in my head. Sometimes I come up with these great little one liners. I actually got to use one at lunch the other day.

/scene: The bustle of a hospital cafeteria at lunch time - think Scrubs. Lots of idle conversation to distract us from the kids with faces missing.
"...and it had 4 shots of espresso."
"Wow that's strong."
"Yeah coffee like that can reanimate the dead."
/everyone laughs. The new guy even repeats "reanimate the dead. You're funny."

That's great. And I feel funny! But only because I don't have to explain that I thought up that punch line during a conversation with myself in the shower two months ago.

Sometimes I have these great arguments with someone I'm angry with... but also inside my head. I haven't left that topic yet. I come up with these vicious, bad ass things to say. I'll think about some douche-bag comment someone made to me at a party like "Take this shit home when you leave, if my girlfriend sees f-ing Smirnoff Ice in the fridge she'll ask me what kind of loose bitch was in my house. That's why they have screw-off tops, f-ing bitch's drink, man." (only the name of the beverage was changed in this story because honestly I can't remember what kind of bitch drink I brought to the poker game.) Things like that. In real life I can't even come up with anything except a stupid look on my face while the two voices in my head are blankly asking each other 'what the hell was that supposed to mean?' 'I haven't had sex in 2 years. Hah! Loose!?' 'Surely he didn't mean that.' 'Think of something clever to say so he knows it didn't get under your skin.'

But by that time 3 minutes have passed and my face is still blank with the shock that comes from growing up in a place where they still teach kids manners. (Even saying that out loud would've been a decent come back. 'Wow, I am just in shock. I don't know what to say because I grew up in a place where they still teach kids manners, you fat fucking sloppy frat-guy-looking douche-bag.') I guess I'm slow.

I was watching a comedian talking about first dates. I thought it was funny - I've never really felt like I've been on a -first date- not the kind you see on TV anyways. The whole internet thing blew my chance the first time around.. unless you count dates in a mystical forest while killing pink jellies for experience points...... hot. >.<; Anyways. And ever after I've been dating people who were friends of friends. I thought how awkward I would be on a classic dinner date with someone I gave my phone number to at a coffee shop because we had matching iPods and ordered the same double white mocha latte and had that 'special connection'.

So of course I tried imagining a date like that inside my head but every time it ended up really stupid. It's good practice at least... for that time in the future when I seriously consider that I only have 6 Halloweens left til I'm 30. That shit is scary. And yes, I count my age in Halloweens. That's only six more costumes.

Because I will be old and/or dead at 30. Hehe. Maybe not, but I'm pretty sure I will look ridiculous in a PVC catsuit after 30. In public anyways. I admit I'm already concerned with feeling sexy when I'm old and less attractive. What if in 7 years I find myself looking at a brochure, contemplating shooting up enterotoxins to give myself permanent facial nerve damage in a pathetic attempt to look younger. I hope not. That stuff keeps me up at night.

Some guy asked for my number last thursday. And he was a tattoo artist. Pretty cool huh? But I found him on a scale from 0 to 100%, about 42% attractive; where 100% is ....., 98% is reserved for people so pretty they'd make me stutter if I met them in real life like Adrien Brody and Cillian Murphy, 90% is pretty hot, 80% is cute, 50% is someone you'd kiss at a party because you were bored, 40% is the average American, 20% are the morbidly obese and circus folks, and 5% is I don't know... goats.

So I blew him off. He kept some lame doodle of myself drawn on a napkin. Meh. There's just no one who interests me in this town. No one single anyways (grumble). I don't think my standards are too high either, just unusual taste. And all the unusual people I have an affinity for seem to date (or marry, grumble) these boring normal people who don't even appreciate the weird flavor. It's a damn shame.

Lost Souls

Ted Haggard's been all over the news again. I feel so sorry for this guy. At first I just thought it was one more example of the hypocrisy of the -institution- of church, which does more harm than good. Listening to Ted talk though, it is so sad that he has deluded himself so deeply. He can't accept his own humanity. I feel like, given the option, he would have a total frontal lobotomy and destroy the person he is to destroy the 'evil gay thoughts.' You're gay, dude. It's ok. Sane people would embrace you and love you as a gay man.

At least he can accept that he has 'homosexual attachments' but he's trying to -fix- the -problem-. It's just sad. Kiss a man, Ted. You kiss him, and you like it! It's not a sin. Kissing your wife while you imagine she's a sexy guy - that's way worse. Poor confused man.

Who's gonna start that 'love yourself and everyone else' religion? Wait they already have those? But they're hypocritical and corrupt? Oh noes, people never learn.

Sanity Aside,

I rarely post when I'm feeling regular, run of the mill, slightly anti-social but otherwise normal. I thought it might be a good idea because I'd rather be manic depressive rather than full on depressive. Hehe.

I just realized that I really like the people I work with. I also realized I've used the word 'I' at least 17 times already. I'm self-centered. And I hate you. Moving on. I like the fact that I have 1 Texan to relate to and everyone else in my lab is from an Asian country, primarily China. Despite the fact that most people in the lab speak Mandarin, the only words I've learned are 'thank you' and 'white person'. I only remember 'white person' because it's really similar to the japanese word. They don't call me that or nothin'. =]

Chinese New Year happened on monday. Year of the Ox. Year of the Rat is my year, but we're all about trickery and lazing about, so maybe the change is good.

There's a news story on TV about cookies that (sarcastic gasp) may have been made with dough contaminated with salmonella.... oh my god. they are interviewing students who ate peanut butter cookies for their reactions.... COOKING the cookies would kill any salmonella living in the dough, that's why you cook chicken before you eat it. WTF? Yesterday the same news show ran a story about Botox helping unemployed people get jobs by being more attractive and confident on interviews. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! The news is stupid! I'm yelling at the TV again...

Drawring

Just a little noodling around with the Wacom. Figuring out how to use it and whatnot.

Putting the damn thing to good use

I got a Wacom tablet for christmas. And I've been too intimidated by it's rugged sexiness to do anything with it except stare. But I finally hooked it up and messed around in Photoshop.

A few months ago I had insomnia and drew 5 pictures in an hour or so describing the past 5 years of my love life. I just spent the last 2 hours redo-ing them digitally... The last one I actually like. The hair is neat. I heart Wacom...







Little things to note. In the second picture I completely forgot to draw the sawed off wings in the background - I'll probably redo it later. And yes, that is an eyeball. In the original fifth image, I didn't look so sad, more wary. I actually had a really hard time making the first image look happy. I redrew the face so many times - I realize the eyes are ridiculously wide set, but they look happy at least.

Madness Aside,

My little brother lost his first tooth this evening while he was eating bacon. My dad heard something fall with a 'clink' on the hardwood floor. The tooth in question had been loose for a few weeks, so he asked "Hey Buddy, did your tooth just fall out there?" Dylan looks down at the floor and considers for a second. "No. That's a piece of bacon." He goes back to chewing his bacon. While he's speaking the absence of tooth is obvious so my dad continues. "No Dylan feel your teeth, there's one missing." Dylan feels the gap and furrows his brow. Without missing a beat, he shrugs, "Well I didn't need it anymore." He goes back to chewing.

Hahaha priceless. My parents tried to get him excited about the tooth fairy, but Dylan finds the idea of mystical ladies creeping into his room far-fetched. Eventually he just told them, "Stop it, the tooth fairy is just you guys."

I think he's just too spoiled. I played dumb for years thinking I'd get more presents at Christmas. He already knows he gets everything he wants without all the nonsense.

Crickets

You know that sound in Black Snake Moan? When Christina Ricci gets all nutty. I think of that sound when Mr. Hyde starts convincing Dr. Hyde to go away for a while. My moral fibers are shredding again. The weight of my sanity is too much for them. Morals or sanity?

My values are shifting. I can feel the unbalance. I want to fuck things up.

I want to be that demure innocent lady in powder blue with unsullied gloves who can wait with large moist eyes until someone comes riding on a white horse from Never-Happening Land. The high priestess.

But my card is the Queen of Swords. And I'm speaking in Tarot now. Anyways. I'm going to have a little fun. My teeth are too sharp.

I was very honest with someone last night who I don't normally take seriously and I was shocked by how honest he was in return. Something so simple that I never realized. I'm very rarely serious - actually serious with every-day humans, 'friends' and 'acquaintances'. These strange creatures respond so differently to serious conversation as opposed to sex jokes or, even worse, silence and mumbling.

And I'm quite good at silence and mumbling. I can hold my own at lewd jokes as well. Truth and reality aren't difficult for me, they just seem less entertaining. Entertainment is a very high priority of mine, perhaps the highest.