Early Valentines Treats. Conversation hearts?

I have this habit of having entire conversations in my head. Sometimes I come up with these great little one liners. I actually got to use one at lunch the other day.

/scene: The bustle of a hospital cafeteria at lunch time - think Scrubs. Lots of idle conversation to distract us from the kids with faces missing.
"...and it had 4 shots of espresso."
"Wow that's strong."
"Yeah coffee like that can reanimate the dead."
/everyone laughs. The new guy even repeats "reanimate the dead. You're funny."

That's great. And I feel funny! But only because I don't have to explain that I thought up that punch line during a conversation with myself in the shower two months ago.

Sometimes I have these great arguments with someone I'm angry with... but also inside my head. I haven't left that topic yet. I come up with these vicious, bad ass things to say. I'll think about some douche-bag comment someone made to me at a party like "Take this shit home when you leave, if my girlfriend sees f-ing Smirnoff Ice in the fridge she'll ask me what kind of loose bitch was in my house. That's why they have screw-off tops, f-ing bitch's drink, man." (only the name of the beverage was changed in this story because honestly I can't remember what kind of bitch drink I brought to the poker game.) Things like that. In real life I can't even come up with anything except a stupid look on my face while the two voices in my head are blankly asking each other 'what the hell was that supposed to mean?' 'I haven't had sex in 2 years. Hah! Loose!?' 'Surely he didn't mean that.' 'Think of something clever to say so he knows it didn't get under your skin.'

But by that time 3 minutes have passed and my face is still blank with the shock that comes from growing up in a place where they still teach kids manners. (Even saying that out loud would've been a decent come back. 'Wow, I am just in shock. I don't know what to say because I grew up in a place where they still teach kids manners, you fat fucking sloppy frat-guy-looking douche-bag.') I guess I'm slow.

I was watching a comedian talking about first dates. I thought it was funny - I've never really felt like I've been on a -first date- not the kind you see on TV anyways. The whole internet thing blew my chance the first time around.. unless you count dates in a mystical forest while killing pink jellies for experience points...... hot. >.<; Anyways. And ever after I've been dating people who were friends of friends. I thought how awkward I would be on a classic dinner date with someone I gave my phone number to at a coffee shop because we had matching iPods and ordered the same double white mocha latte and had that 'special connection'.

So of course I tried imagining a date like that inside my head but every time it ended up really stupid. It's good practice at least... for that time in the future when I seriously consider that I only have 6 Halloweens left til I'm 30. That shit is scary. And yes, I count my age in Halloweens. That's only six more costumes.

Because I will be old and/or dead at 30. Hehe. Maybe not, but I'm pretty sure I will look ridiculous in a PVC catsuit after 30. In public anyways. I admit I'm already concerned with feeling sexy when I'm old and less attractive. What if in 7 years I find myself looking at a brochure, contemplating shooting up enterotoxins to give myself permanent facial nerve damage in a pathetic attempt to look younger. I hope not. That stuff keeps me up at night.

Some guy asked for my number last thursday. And he was a tattoo artist. Pretty cool huh? But I found him on a scale from 0 to 100%, about 42% attractive; where 100% is ....., 98% is reserved for people so pretty they'd make me stutter if I met them in real life like Adrien Brody and Cillian Murphy, 90% is pretty hot, 80% is cute, 50% is someone you'd kiss at a party because you were bored, 40% is the average American, 20% are the morbidly obese and circus folks, and 5% is I don't know... goats.

So I blew him off. He kept some lame doodle of myself drawn on a napkin. Meh. There's just no one who interests me in this town. No one single anyways (grumble). I don't think my standards are too high either, just unusual taste. And all the unusual people I have an affinity for seem to date (or marry, grumble) these boring normal people who don't even appreciate the weird flavor. It's a damn shame.