A Blog About a Girl 2.0

Halloween is quickly approaching

2010-10-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

Ah and I was going to delete the blog last month. Just can't bring myself to do it.

I realized that at some point along the way I've become old. I have some serious opinions about the Swiffer Sweeper...well... maybe 'old' is an STD so I couldn't really avoid it. Heh.

One of the few things that keeps me young is my avoidance of marriage and children. Someone asked me what my fantasy wedding would be like and the only thing I could come up with was "I want to be the DJ at my own wedding" The music at weddings is really awful.

Time to plug GrooveShark, a music streaming website that is awesome. Google it. You can even listen to what I am listening to by searching for Stefphanni under playlists. Spooky!

2010-06-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

When moving from one coast of the country to the other, step one is to not get in a relationship with anyone in the place you are departing from....

...

What's step two?

I had an overwhelming sense of existential despair today... Or yesterday, or maybe in a dream I had last night. I felt really disconnected today even when I was rescued earlier from a stranger knocking on my door by a lovely telephone call and a homemade meal. I think I'm feeling the immediacy of leaving everything behind before I'm through. Like a caged animal I'm already scanning for a way out.

But I want to move to New York right? If I had only followed the steps in order...

And when I said "I want your ugly, I want your disease" I bet he didn't expect Helicobacter pylori. Hehehe oh it is a disaster. A beautiful disaster that I cannot quit. I need this.

I really really need this. It feels like home.

Better than Facebook

2010-05-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

I was going to update my status on Facebook to say: My personal ad would include 'willing to wear spiky blond Cloud wig and leather vest while wielding his Buster Sword'. But I psyched myself out because I didn't want anyone to comment on that... and I remembered that I have a dumb blog to put this kind of crap on.

Facebook is evil. I spent a little too much time looking at past high school crushes and future potential boyfriends who won't actually be boyfriends because I don't plan on dating again until I'm in New York. A 3000 mile distance relationship is unrealistic. Plus, love ya California, but... see ya, bitch!

Anyways. Back to Cloud wigs. OH MY GOD. Nocturnal Treasures has THIRTY FIVE pages of wigs. Mostly custom and anime-inspired wigs. Outrageous. They also have Aeris and Sephiroth wigs. Can you imagine it?

Oh I can.

I can.

Putting the fantasy in Final Fantasy since 1997.

I had to Google spellcheck the German

2010-04-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

I go to karaoke most thursdays, because it's fun, there are $2 wells, and that's just where everyone seems to go on thursdays. I sing Mein Herr from Cabaret most thursdays, with some Lady Gaga mixed in, rarely I'll do some NIN or throw down some Sean Paul to show the boys I can keep up with their white rappering.

Last night my friend, Katie (Katie 007 in my phone,... for reasons unknown) turns to me and says with her eyebrows lifted and optimistic, "Hey Steph, you should sing that song you sing... um that German one... Mein.... Kampf!"

So I told her "I would but ZERE ARE TOO MANY FACKING JEWZ IN HERE!"

hahahaha. Unfortunately my friend Sherry happens to be Jewish and she turned dramatically towards me with huge eyes, "What the f*#$ is wrong with you?"

Katie totally started it.

A minute or two later this girl (who I don't really like; she's from Utah and judges me) was trying to get the attention of one of my friends. She had her arm up and was sort of waving, but no one was paying attention. So she just had her arm suspended lamely in the air.

I couldn't help it.

"SIEG HEIL!" I saluted her and burst out laughing at my second awesome Nazi joke in a 10 minute period. Then Sherry beat me up.

Not really.

Karaoke is awesome.

Dancing with the fishes

2010-04-06T01:54:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Lil Wayne - Exquisite (feat. Tyga & Gata)

(Joke, actually I'm watching Drinky Crow. But that was the last thing playing before I shut the music off for Drinky. I Heart. Heart. Heart Tony Millionaire.)

Studio Augenblick is at it again with Ugly Americans. SO GOOD. Why am I plugging all these cartoons? I watch too many cartoons while I drink spiked horchata and knit. Weird.

I don't like to admit what I do on a regular basis. Especially now that my drawing has been replaced by a lot of .... 3D.... mediums...

Give me a tiny animal, and I can knit the shit out of it.

(Anyways)

...

San Francisco has a museum/aquarium that turns into a nightclub on Thursdays. I haven't been yet. Please have a shark tank with D&B please please please shark taaaaaaank and club music. I will implode.

I'm excited about that. My blood is excited by it. Dancing with sharks. >.
Can we go every week?

My appetite for going out is not currently being satisfied. It's 2AM on a Monday. There isn't anything that can be done. I'm too old to have nocturnal weirdo friends (apparently). People my age are supposed to have jobs. =[

2010-03-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

There are tiny dogs wearing rhinestone sweaters in the airport terminal. This flight must be heading to California. Ugh.

Blog-worthy

2010-02-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

I flew into La Guardia today. I realized that it was my first time to fly into New York. The only other time I've been, we drove in and it's a lot less magical sitting in traffic for three hours as you crawl into the city. I took a city bus from the airport to Astoria, what Gogol Bordello has called a "gypsy part" of this town. And true to it's name, there was an old woman in the subway station wearing black and gold with an armfull of flowers. I gave her a crooked smile and she returned a toothy grin with a few of the teeth missing. I wouldve bought one of those flowers if she had offered. The Astonia subway station is a raised platform that rocks and sways when the subway cars pass through. Over the rooftops you can see the top of the Empire State building. It's a gritty perspective of the skyline that I shouldve taken a picture of.. But I'm always hesitant to take pictures of gritty places. As if the grit is some aesthetic amusement that I am making mine without a real appreciation that only comes from living there. Also I don't want my camera to get nicked cuz I'm acting like a tourist.

I took the subway across the river into Manhattan. Everyone is very hip looking on the subway. There's an elegance to the way people dress here. It's not grotesquely casual like California, or desperately indie like Austin, even Hong Kong is a little flashy and cheap looking by comparison. There is a grimness about the dress here.

I got off the N line at 57th st. And walked to 58th. There are shops and restaraunts and pubs and clubs all piled up on top of eachother. The hotel I'm staying in is ridiculously hip. You walk in and there's just an escalator going upwards with green glowing walls. Pulsing bass is the only sound in the escalator and in the lobby, coming from some invisible club or bar within the hotel. The hotel lady who checked me in was really nice, which came as a surprise in a town with a reputation for nasty attitudes. Now that I think about it two girls and I chased after the bus leaving from the airport to the subway. When I didn't have enough quarters for the fare, one of the girls paid for me and wouldn't take my dollar bill in return. I've had really good luck so far with people here.

No one wears uggs here. I think I might like it here after all.

St. Valentine, you cad.

2010-02-13T22:04:00.000-08:00

It feels like I broke up with two people this week, and each made the other easier to deal with. Of course I haven't broken up with anyone for years. Kosta broke up with me, not the other way around, even though he's begging me to come back now. Heh, and he said we have nothing in common. I also have permanently dissolved the Vlad fantasy after six years of nonsense. 'Dissolved it, really?', you might ask. 'but that's the one habit you really excel at.'

Yes, yes I know. I know. But for the first time I see that I am defeated and with no strategy for victory I am forced to withdraw the troops and pull resources out of that sector of my mind. That shit is Vietnam and I'm ready to quit. Who's going to play Iraq in my tasteless extended metaphor?

Anyways...

I'm trying to be excited about New York. I want to leave and I don't want to leave. I've always relied on 'divine nonchalance', thanks to the Jejune Institute I know what to call it now... The idea that, in life, you can always close your eyes and lean back. You will inevitably be carried in the right direction. It's a frightening thing to do sometimes. And it requires that you abandon the illusion of control, which is easier said than done.

I just need to keep myself out of a relationship until July which will be difficult because I am fantastically lonely right now. And I know exactly where to find flesh for comfort. How do you refuse the food when you are starving? How do you refuse the wine? The cigarette?

Bad case of the brain worms

2010-02-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Listening to: The Coasters - Down in Mexico (Remastered for Grindhouse)

It's taken me 5 days to push out a day's worth of work. Bloody heatmapping. I'd bitch about how I wish I could program a better version of Maple Tree, but it would fall on deaf ears. Why is the most critical part of the dendrogram grayed out!?!!? WTF is that?

Sophia's is officially the best bar in Davis. Jim remembered my name and I haven't been there in like 2 years, and I don't care if it's just cuz he <3's Jess. I was impressed. And thai iced vanilla vodka tea. Nuff said. Nuff said. It looks like the puffer fish died tho =(

I'm going to set up 'A Blog About a Girl 3.0' soon. Bringing back my "listening to", making it not ugly..., and reposting selected old posts from the archives.

ok i'm begrudgingly getting back to work now.

Mardi Gras started early this year

2010-02-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

... look how sad I am because I'm not in New Orleans.

O ReiLY?

2010-02-04T03:05:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to watch the Daily Show tomorrow to hear what John Stewart was saying when fox cut awkwardly from one frame to another. That interview looked like it was edited by a drunk one-eyed six year old with a meat cleaver.

I watch fox occasionally... you know for educational purposes. See how the other half thinks. Why is everyone on that network so angry? I saw 4 people interviewed on "the no spin zone", 3 of which are conservative and the fourth being liberal John Stewart. The first 3 men are 1.) frowning 2.) yelling and 3.) using negative language. And the fourth man was too, after being on fox for longer than 5 minutes. The only things I hear on that network are hate and fear... and that the only viewers of The Daily Show are stoned losers. Which is why the host of said show is important enough to be on your big important news show! The largest majority of people who watch The Daily Show are college students, the 18-25 crowd that is taking over this country in the next generation. We're here to pick the meat from your bones, and usher in the future as we see it old man. And there will be gays in the military, and social programs, and modern infrastructure.

I'm very open minded, I try to watch multiple news channels... but ultimately I prefer to watch news anchors that exhibit the same characteristics I like in teachers. Even-spoken, even-tempered, kind-faced, offering clear & rational explanations. So that I may understand. So that I may learn. Why do we watch the news?

PS.. I watched the post-script where a body-language expert analyzed the John Stewart v O'Reilly interview. O'Reilly was like (ahem, loosely transcribed) "Yeah, so he was scared cuz you told me I was a big strong man with powerful pointy gestures, real good!" And the body-expert pointed out that Stewart was in control the entire time even though he was out of his element and being confronted. He was really on top of the interview the entire time.

Sublime Nonchalance

2010-01-27T02:04:00.000-08:00

http://jejuneinstitute.org/

This is cooler than anything you've ever done in San Fransisco. Way too F%$#@ing cool.

Your path begins by visiting 580 California between 12 and 2pm Tuesday thru Sunday. Ask the receptionist for the Jejune Institute, and she'll direct you to the 16th floor...

... and don't look it up on Google and ruin it. The less you know, the more fun it is.

Continuation of Thought

2010-01-11T03:52:00.000-08:00

...if skeletons are memories. and memories are dreams. and dreams are.....

......................a particular taste of melancholy.

I'm moving to New York.

I don't really want to work anymore (secretly). I want to make little cable-knit gloves and jackets and miniaturized top hats and things. And write a book about vampires that isn't about vampires. And make that steampunk Icarus shirt for Threadless before the steampunk fad explodes and Hannah Montana branded victorian exposed-gear watches are being sold at Walmart.

If you haven't seen Avatar yet, go see it multiple times. Apart from it being an excellent movie, you will also be doing your part to fund the eventual creation of a live-action Battle Angel Alita movie a la James Cameron's new swanky CGI. I want to see that movie made. And it better be rated R for Ridiculous amounts of violence. In 3D.

My posts lost continuity a long time ago. And grammar even longer ago.

Skeletons

2009-12-05T15:52:00.000-08:00

I'm looking out at the off-gray sky over LA and I can't help but think that this is where all the skeletons in my closet sleep.

There was a celebrity on our plane but I missed her. An actress from Queen Elizabeth. In fact she was Queen Elizabeth if I remember correctly. I've been to LA enough times but I never see famous people, I guess I don't look hard enough.

Waste

2009-06-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

I'm watching NYC Prep, because I'm sick of hearing about Michael Jackson on the news. NYC Prep is a soulless vapid shit TV show about 16 year olds, similar to the LA shows with identical premise. I realized something... people from New York are really awkward looking. None of them are ugly... just really strange and gawky. Maybe it's because they're teenagers.

I'm really tired of TV. Thanks to Jerry I read thru a great webcomic "Wasted Talent". Good art style and cute sense of humor. A lot of the humor surrounds the bizarre language she shares with her boyfriend, which is just strange enough to be endearing rather than obnoxious. They both call eachother "Jam", which is a weird pet name for one person and a weirder pet name for two people to call one another. I also like her moments of taking things teachers say literally. Like "for the following calculation assume there is no air resistance" and then imagining people getting killed by rain, assuming there is no air resistance. Hilarious nerd humor.

http://www.wastedtalent.ca/index.php?view=10

The art does get MUCH better 300 pages later.

Steady State Equation

2009-06-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

I was at work until almost 8pm today. I started working at 11 though, so I'm not sure if that makes me a workaholic or incredibly lazy. I kept working when I got home.. I like making manuscript figures. Looking beyond my laptop, I can see three bags of canvas and a pile of paper on my living room floor. They're hungry for ink and blood. I can't feed them.

My plate is full. I've reached that steady-state where I don't have time to do extra enjoyable things... but that in itself is strangely enjoyable. I think it's the TV. I am a slave to it. It's the only thing that turns my brain off at night. I tried reading the other day and stayed up til 3AM.

Somehow I still find 2 hours in my day to search for a karaoke version of Coin-operated Boy by Dresden Dolls. Why is it that the only place you can find this song is a random bar in Philly? Karaoke Obscura.

Ah time management.

I really don't care

2009-05-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

I can't stress how much I do not care about Carrie Prejan or the miss ANYTHING pageantry, but oh my god.... I can't help it.

She's on my television crying about her goddamn rights as an American. Civil-fucking-rights. People criticizing her are attacking HER rights of free speech.

Yet she feels gay people don't have the right to marry. She doesn't give a fuck about civil rights of Americans. Empty-eyed hypocritic bitch. She is gross. The whole pageant is gross.

O_O

2009-05-01T13:54:00.001-07:00

Oh. my. god. Tim Burton has just completed filming Alice in Wonderland with

Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter!

Alan Rickman as the Caterpillar!

Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat!

holy shit. This is going to be good. Can't wait to see '9' either. Tim Burton is making good movies again yay!

Crocs horrify me

2009-05-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

Hahahah yes! Clinton Kelly said it, so it must be true. Those abominations that people confuse with shoes, Crocs are "one of the signs of the apocalypse." "Unless you are a gardener or a cook."

I'm sick but it's not the flu, especially not the new strain that i've been ranting about for two weeks. Lame. So I'm sitting around watching What Not to Wear.

Swine flu, really?

2009-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, this hype. All flu's are swine flus or chicken flus. That's where flus come from!

I saw Anderson Cooper interviewing some teenager about her swine flu survival story. She was like "yeah I got sick last thursday, I had a fever of 103, and I felt bad."

"It's been 4 days. How do you feel now?"

"Fine"

...... that's because it's just a new strain of regular influenza. It will probably be pandemic because it's new and you don't have antibodies against it. "Pandemic" just means lots of people get it. There is a flu pandemic every 8-10 years. Do you remember getting the flu like 10 years ago? Yeah. I know I did. I think I was in third grade, I threw up a lot, but I didn't get an interview with Anderson Cooper.

Alerting the public like this just makes more people think they're sick with the latest killer virus. Is there a word for the opposite of placebo effect?

Real Women Have Vaginas

2009-04-20T19:08:00.001-07:00

If I hear "Real women have curves" one more time... I swear to god....

The Stars Don't Shine For You No More

2009-04-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

What do you say when someone tells you that they miss it how you used to manipulate the reality around them? When someone tells you that you made them shine. You made them light up like a Starry Night and you're Van Gogh? It sounds so strange coming from someone I stopped giving a damn about 4 or 5 months ago.

Curious. So perceptive but the emotional capacity of a brick. Oh well, that's spilled milk. Or really there was never even milk in the glass to begin with. Just anticipation without action. And then boredom.

And closed chapters.

I've got more important things to occupy me now. A more important person, who's unbreaking me. Somehow.

Not a Poetry Metaphore

2009-03-31T23:43:00.000-07:00

As a rule, I try not to correct people unless I am close to them - and only because I don't want them to sound stupid and get made fun of later. At a friend's house tonight, I met said friend's new boyfriend. He said something so wrong, my eyelid twitched a little but I couldn't say anything because I'd only just met this guy.

"Greek and Russian are really similar languages. They even share an alphabet. Yeah, it's acrylic."

/twitch .... can't. paint. with. Russian alphabet, which is totally different from Greek... aaaaaaaah. No one else noticed how wrong this statement was either. Or maybe they were just being polite as me. It wouldn't be so bad but he went on to talk about how good he was at remembering useless knowledge and trivia. Sort of smug about it.

Dimitri was in the bathroom too. I don't think he would've let the Greek comment slide. I think that would have been a 'fail' to that Greek test we were talking about.

Lion Tamer

2009-03-23T22:55:00.000-07:00

Never thought bringing a lamb to a slaughterhouse could tame a lion. What I can only perceive as innocence and trust and sincerity got the best of me. Just like that. In one night.

Little toy, became something more. Softening the edges and dull pains. Make my heart race. I apologize if I make you faint. Touch my skin like it's glass, delicate or dangerous. Not easily forgettable.

Self Diagnosis

2009-03-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

After hearing about Russell Brand's alleged 'sex addiction' I had to do some internet research to see whether or not it sounded like a publicity stunt or a real medical problem. And the descriptions written by the sexually repressed got me giggling...

"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.”

"Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services, and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help."

HAHAHAHAHAHA uh oh. I've got another self diagnosis!

I love that they lump phone sex and internet porn with prostitution...

Oh my god, even better. The same website has a "top 10 myths about masturbation" and it is hilarious.

#7 Do Kellog's cornflakes make you not want to masturbate?

"Mr. Kellogg thought sex was the ultimate abomination and remained celibate even in marriage. Masturbation was the worst sin imaginable to him. He believed it led to leprosy, tuberculosis, heart disease, epilepsy, dimness of vision, insanity, idiocy, and death. He also preached that masturbation led to bashfulness in some people, unnatural boldness in others, a fondness for spicy foods, round shoulders, and acne."

HAHAHAHHAAH round shoulders wtf?

Wearing Cheshire

2009-03-14T02:41:00.000-07:00

I just watched Russell Brand's New York stand-up special on Comedy Central. Sexy sexy man.

He inspires me to be more of an outrageous narcissistic megalomaniac than I already am. And without feeling embarrassed about it later.

"No I'm purely a fan [of futbol], I have no sporting ability. The only things I'm good at which involve exercise and sweating necessarily end in orgasm." The words are not so funny as the absolute sincerity in which he delivers them. When are you touring the balmy California coast, love?

Holy shit I'm making art tonight on a canvas! Sadly, I'm inspired by looming deadlines which culminate in next tuesday and will be a total shit storm.

Torrid Love Affairs with Cities

2009-03-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Hong Kong. Where do I sign to expatriate? I fell in love with that country, it had me at the MTR (subway). I'm home now and I haven't even unpacked from New Orleans yet. Oh man. I've never travelled this much in such a short period of time. Just to add to the strangeness of my recent life.

Came home to another mix "tape" CD taped to my door. How come this doesn't feel as wrong as it is?

The fracture in my heart finally splintered in two and divided reason from thought. But I never stop dreaming about that perfect life I saw painted inside my head. In reds and blues. 'And everyone's just a different shade of you.' -- 'Suicide Machine' by Hum.

I've been awake since 2AM... a little jet-lagged.

Ni Hao

2009-03-02T23:24:00.000-08:00

I found out today that I'm going to Hong Kong tomorrow for work.

Oh snap.

It sucks. All the language CDs and 99% of phrasebooks at Borders are for Mandarin. There were absolutely zero CDs for Cantonese. So I'll have to be a stupid gwai lao and bank on the rumor that "everyone" in Hong Kong speaks english. I'm traveling on my own too and meeting people at the hotel there. Hahaha. This is going to be fun. It's a good thing I'm sagittarius. I live for this kind of thing.

I got a The Knife album taped to my door today from my not-so-secret admirer. Life has never been so strange.

Neither Here Nor There

2009-02-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

Well I've got to come to some middle ground after the last two posts. As I've discovered that I have a very irresponsible concept of love.

The left hand will have to shake hands and agree to cover my eyes when the right hand is doing. My smile is getting more crooked all the time.

a.k.a. New Orleans was fun.

I'm a soldier?

2009-02-21T05:44:00.001-08:00

I remember why I drew this now.

My memory problem has gotten so bad. I know that my memory is broken but it still surprises me how I can forget the things I forget. Luckily I write memories down sometimes. I just read a 4 page synopsis of my last trip to LA, written on some graph paper that had been stuffed in my closet over a year ago. It reads a bit like a quirky romance novel. The visual parts of the story, I remember quite clearly - I remember the different restaurants and the halloween party. But I had forgotten the words.

There are things that were said that trip.... that define me in my view of the world. The reasons why I cannot stop loving someone. Things were said that if really and truly true, would crush my heart with the weight of their gravity. And they did then. They do now after reading my memories.

They make my moonlit deliriums not worth having. I asked how you'd gotten to be so bad and you told me I taught you everything you know. You told me to never leave again. I'd closed off this part of my memory because I can't deal with the guilt of leaving again and the silence sounds like hatred.

I don't want any other person.

I know you're not perfect but I like you just the same.... and your face is balls.

Hahaha... Fuck, I honestly did not remember saying that.

Card 13

2009-02-20T23:52:00.000-08:00

A whimsical boy with fantastic teeth put a bandaid on my heart last night. I remember what it's like to want something that isn't yours.

And he certainly isn't mine. But for one night we agreed to play in a world that cannot exist. We shook on it... or held hands depending on how you look at it. It was a world more perfect than the one I imagined. A world with zombies and a stack of 16 microwaves with a keyboard on top. And one white fence a block from my house. He does yoga, and He has more teeth than me, I'm sure of it. the better to eat you with she whispered. He picked me up and carried me across some threshold of sanity that I never dared cross.

I haven't felt this sort of thing in so very very long. He is strange. He loves music. And he said "I never thought a girl like you would ever find someone like me attractive" and I wonder what I am made of that could possibly compete with someone made of star dust and lucky charms and... well mushrooms, honestly.

I'm so enamored with last night. Especially now that I'm alone in my room and I can hear the clubs downtown pulsing. I can feel that in my blood. Magic and whimsy. I kept preying for delirium to take me and he did... He did.

Early Valentines Treats. Conversation hearts?

2009-02-07T01:18:00.000-08:00

I have this habit of having entire conversations in my head. Sometimes I come up with these great little one liners. I actually got to use one at lunch the other day.

/scene: The bustle of a hospital cafeteria at lunch time - think Scrubs. Lots of idle conversation to distract us from the kids with faces missing.
"...and it had 4 shots of espresso."
"Wow that's strong."
"Yeah coffee like that can reanimate the dead."
/everyone laughs. The new guy even repeats "reanimate the dead. You're funny."

That's great. And I feel funny! But only because I don't have to explain that I thought up that punch line during a conversation with myself in the shower two months ago.

Sometimes I have these great arguments with someone I'm angry with... but also inside my head. I haven't left that topic yet. I come up with these vicious, bad ass things to say. I'll think about some douche-bag comment someone made to me at a party like "Take this shit home when you leave, if my girlfriend sees f-ing Smirnoff Ice in the fridge she'll ask me what kind of loose bitch was in my house. That's why they have screw-off tops, f-ing bitch's drink, man." (only the name of the beverage was changed in this story because honestly I can't remember what kind of bitch drink I brought to the poker game.) Things like that. In real life I can't even come up with anything except a stupid look on my face while the two voices in my head are blankly asking each other 'what the hell was that supposed to mean?' 'I haven't had sex in 2 years. Hah! Loose!?' 'Surely he didn't mean that.' 'Think of something clever to say so he knows it didn't get under your skin.'

But by that time 3 minutes have passed and my face is still blank with the shock that comes from growing up in a place where they still teach kids manners. (Even saying that out loud would've been a decent come back. 'Wow, I am just in shock. I don't know what to say because I grew up in a place where they still teach kids manners, you fat fucking sloppy frat-guy-looking douche-bag.') I guess I'm slow.

I was watching a comedian talking about first dates. I thought it was funny - I've never really felt like I've been on a -first date- not the kind you see on TV anyways. The whole internet thing blew my chance the first time around.. unless you count dates in a mystical forest while killing pink jellies for experience points...... hot. >.<; Anyways. And ever after I've been dating people who were friends of friends. I thought how awkward I would be on a classic dinner date with someone I gave my phone number to at a coffee shop because we had matching iPods and ordered the same double white mocha latte and had that 'special connection'.

So of course I tried imagining a date like that inside my head but every time it ended up really stupid. It's good practice at least... for that time in the future when I seriously consider that I only have 6 Halloweens left til I'm 30. That shit is scary. And yes, I count my age in Halloweens. That's only six more costumes.

Because I will be old and/or dead at 30. Hehe. Maybe not, but I'm pretty sure I will look ridiculous in a PVC catsuit after 30. In public anyways. I admit I'm already concerned with feeling sexy when I'm old and less attractive. What if in 7 years I find myself looking at a brochure, contemplating shooting up enterotoxins to give myself permanent facial nerve damage in a pathetic attempt to look younger. I hope not. That stuff keeps me up at night.

Some guy asked for my number last thursday. And he was a tattoo artist. Pretty cool huh? But I found him on a scale from 0 to 100%, about 42% attractive; where 100% is ....., 98% is reserved for people so pretty they'd make me stutter if I met them in real life like Adrien Brody and Cillian Murphy, 90% is pretty hot, 80% is cute, 50% is someone you'd kiss at a party because you were bored, 40% is the average American, 20% are the morbidly obese and circus folks, and 5% is I don't know... goats.

So I blew him off. He kept some lame doodle of myself drawn on a napkin. Meh. There's just no one who interests me in this town. No one single anyways (grumble). I don't think my standards are too high either, just unusual taste. And all the unusual people I have an affinity for seem to date (or marry, grumble) these boring normal people who don't even appreciate the weird flavor. It's a damn shame.

Lost Souls

2009-01-29T18:39:00.000-08:00

Ted Haggard's been all over the news again. I feel so sorry for this guy. At first I just thought it was one more example of the hypocrisy of the -institution- of church, which does more harm than good. Listening to Ted talk though, it is so sad that he has deluded himself so deeply. He can't accept his own humanity. I feel like, given the option, he would have a total frontal lobotomy and destroy the person he is to destroy the 'evil gay thoughts.' You're gay, dude. It's ok. Sane people would embrace you and love you as a gay man.

At least he can accept that he has 'homosexual attachments' but he's trying to -fix- the -problem-. It's just sad. Kiss a man, Ted. You kiss him, and you like it! It's not a sin. Kissing your wife while you imagine she's a sexy guy - that's way worse. Poor confused man.

Who's gonna start that 'love yourself and everyone else' religion? Wait they already have those? But they're hypocritical and corrupt? Oh noes, people never learn.

Sanity Aside,

2009-01-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

I rarely post when I'm feeling regular, run of the mill, slightly anti-social but otherwise normal. I thought it might be a good idea because I'd rather be manic depressive rather than full on depressive. Hehe.

I just realized that I really like the people I work with. I also realized I've used the word 'I' at least 17 times already. I'm self-centered. And I hate you. Moving on. I like the fact that I have 1 Texan to relate to and everyone else in my lab is from an Asian country, primarily China. Despite the fact that most people in the lab speak Mandarin, the only words I've learned are 'thank you' and 'white person'. I only remember 'white person' because it's really similar to the japanese word. They don't call me that or nothin'. =]

Chinese New Year happened on monday. Year of the Ox. Year of the Rat is my year, but we're all about trickery and lazing about, so maybe the change is good.

There's a news story on TV about cookies that (sarcastic gasp) may have been made with dough contaminated with salmonella.... oh my god. they are interviewing students who ate peanut butter cookies for their reactions.... COOKING the cookies would kill any salmonella living in the dough, that's why you cook chicken before you eat it. WTF? Yesterday the same news show ran a story about Botox helping unemployed people get jobs by being more attractive and confident on interviews. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! The news is stupid! I'm yelling at the TV again...

Drawring

2009-01-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

Just a little noodling around with the Wacom. Figuring out how to use it and whatnot.

Putting the damn thing to good use

2009-01-24T02:36:00.000-08:00

I got a Wacom tablet for christmas. And I've been too intimidated by it's rugged sexiness to do anything with it except stare. But I finally hooked it up and messed around in Photoshop.

A few months ago I had insomnia and drew 5 pictures in an hour or so describing the past 5 years of my love life. I just spent the last 2 hours redo-ing them digitally... The last one I actually like. The hair is neat. I heart Wacom...

Little things to note. In the second picture I completely forgot to draw the sawed off wings in the background - I'll probably redo it later. And yes, that is an eyeball. In the original fifth image, I didn't look so sad, more wary. I actually had a really hard time making the first image look happy. I redrew the face so many times - I realize the eyes are ridiculously wide set, but they look happy at least.

Madness Aside,

2009-01-16T18:49:00.000-08:00

My little brother lost his first tooth this evening while he was eating bacon. My dad heard something fall with a 'clink' on the hardwood floor. The tooth in question had been loose for a few weeks, so he asked "Hey Buddy, did your tooth just fall out there?" Dylan looks down at the floor and considers for a second. "No. That's a piece of bacon." He goes back to chewing his bacon. While he's speaking the absence of tooth is obvious so my dad continues. "No Dylan feel your teeth, there's one missing." Dylan feels the gap and furrows his brow. Without missing a beat, he shrugs, "Well I didn't need it anymore." He goes back to chewing.

Hahaha priceless. My parents tried to get him excited about the tooth fairy, but Dylan finds the idea of mystical ladies creeping into his room far-fetched. Eventually he just told them, "Stop it, the tooth fairy is just you guys."

I think he's just too spoiled. I played dumb for years thinking I'd get more presents at Christmas. He already knows he gets everything he wants without all the nonsense.

Crickets

2009-01-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

You know that sound in Black Snake Moan? When Christina Ricci gets all nutty. I think of that sound when Mr. Hyde starts convincing Dr. Hyde to go away for a while. My moral fibers are shredding again. The weight of my sanity is too much for them. Morals or sanity?

My values are shifting. I can feel the unbalance. I want to fuck things up.

I want to be that demure innocent lady in powder blue with unsullied gloves who can wait with large moist eyes until someone comes riding on a white horse from Never-Happening Land. The high priestess.

But my card is the Queen of Swords. And I'm speaking in Tarot now. Anyways. I'm going to have a little fun. My teeth are too sharp.

I was very honest with someone last night who I don't normally take seriously and I was shocked by how honest he was in return. Something so simple that I never realized. I'm very rarely serious - actually serious with every-day humans, 'friends' and 'acquaintances'. These strange creatures respond so differently to serious conversation as opposed to sex jokes or, even worse, silence and mumbling.

And I'm quite good at silence and mumbling. I can hold my own at lewd jokes as well. Truth and reality aren't difficult for me, they just seem less entertaining. Entertainment is a very high priority of mine, perhaps the highest.

The Nightmare Drugs

2008-12-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

I have a cold. I'm on an antibiotic with side-effects ranging from projectile blood coughing to violent nightmares to hallucinations to a complete loss of the ability to taste anything but metal.

Pretty sweet huh? Heh. Unfortunately after a week, I have experienced none of the aforementioned side effects, except the nightmares. But who knows whether that's me or the meds?

The first night felt like meds. Nothing but a serial killer hacking bodies. The entire dream done in black, white, corpse green, and red. The killer tied butcher knives to huge black parrot raven birds and trained them to kill people because he thought that would be funny. It's sort of funny after waking to think that giant killer parrots with friggin knives attached to their legs would be horrifying. Ah, but that's the way nightmares work.

The next night I dreamt about ... the rapture? Zombies? People coming back from the dead.. the first one was Seth Green. Too much [adult swim] perhaps. It started out sort of silly but then people started coming back incomplete. Corpses without heads or one missing his feet and hands and eyes... just writhing. One was up in my closet just hissing at me.

And then I dreamt of things that are worse than death. I haven't been able to do anything today, the nightmare still rolling around in my brain mixing with Stephenie Meyer's The Host, which is enough melodrama by itself. Luckily my family went to see a movie today without me so I can stare at the wall in peace. Or blog. Heh.

Jerry called me a supervillain, with admiration or disgust - it doesn't matter, I feel both about myself regardless. 'Ms. Hyde' might be more appropriate.

"Fix me now, I wish you would. Bring me back to life. Fix me now. Somebody should... " Do you remember that song? I love Garbage. "Things don't have to be this way. Catch me on a better day."

Oh and it was just Christmas wasn't it. A newer MP3 player with a video screen. A book. Some cash. The fat man can't bring me what I really want, sadly. Just another December to myself to chew slowly with cold leftovers. And one more beating heart remembers me as a glimmer of hope to stave off their own cold, but finding nothing but ashes in their hands the next morning.

2009, I'm counting on you here.

Power Nap

2008-12-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

I think I just had the first 'power nap' of my entire life. I came home from work early and was inexplicably tired, mentally exhausted at the thought of finishing a 4 page essay final exam by tomorrow that I started on today. I drank a cup of coffee and passed out for half an hour. I woke up (from a dream about a leering postman) and I was suddenly a genius, these brilliantly composed essays just poured out of me. I finished 2/3 of the exam in a few hours. And I slowly returned to normal distractable me.

It felt like ritalin for a moment. But now I'm tired again and procrastinatory, which is not a real word. It's my birthday tomorrow, and like every year for the past 6 years it will be spent completing finals. Luckily after this week, I am free for the next three weeks. Free to sleep 14 hours a night and eat oreos at 2pm while watching TV. The good life. I chopped all my hair off again - I was inspired by the chick in Transporter 3. It's her cut but shorter in the back, boy short. A shout out to David Martin for being a badass hairstylist, doing in 1.5 hours what took 3 hours the last time.

I'm hungry. Someone outside is cooking pizza or something.

I Am My Own December

2008-12-04T00:42:00.000-08:00

I went home the weekend before Thanksgiving, to celebrate Thanksgiving, a wedding, or the premier of Twilight (depending on who you ask).

I had interesting airplane conversations. The first leg, I was hopelessly trying to ignore an old woman sitting next to me. It's the first time I've used my occupation to intentionally be a douchebag. Then I thought about it. It's hard to talk to strangers about what I do without sounding like a douchebag. That's why I try not to.

"You're about the same age as my granddaughter. What do you do in college?"

"Microarray analysis to analyze small RNA differences in tissues as they develop with the ultimate goal of guiding the differentiation of stem cells along a specific developmental lineage.... I sound like a douche bag don't I?"

"I teach art in an elementary school, what do you do?"

"I um grow heart cells in a lab from stem cells and also from induced pluripotent cells, which are going to replace the need for stem cells and really clear up some of the red tape keeping us from killing babies......ooh. Fuck."

This old lady on the airplane though. I was on my laptop fighting with a Perl script, probably furrowing my eyebrows and mumbling a lot. She kept trying to strike up conversation like 15 times. I gave her clipped answers and was being openly rude to shut her up. But then I finally looked her in the face and I swear she looked just like my estranged... b i o l o g i c a l grandmother (that's for you Cam). It distracted me. I weighed the likelihood that she would think I was insane if I asked her very seriously, after an hour and a half of the trip, "Are you my grandmother?" I never asked her. But I decided she probably wasn't.

The next leg of the flight I talked to this guy. My immediate thought was "30 year old man, overly friendly, 280 pounds, chewing gum, baseball cap, proceed with caution". He started talking about his wife and kids, so I quickly recategorized him as non-hostile. He talked about his work, which was pretty interesting - designing wind turret fields for wind energy companies. Then he cleanly segued into a conversation about how people are electrochemical transmitters and receivers of brain waves. And static electricity improves the conductivity. He had written several hundred pages on the subject hoping to publish it. I asked him about the Schumann resonance and he said it was all rubbish..... huh.

He was pretty confident that the world was not going to end in 2012 too.

That's good to hear.

Cleaning out the closet

2008-11-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I bought a bookshelf so I can get some of the books and junk out of my closet. I found a jewellery box in the closet between a stack of old bills. It struck me as vaguely familiar. I shook it and there was something inside. I opened it and there was a brand new SD card! Heheheheh. 4GB! Sweet.

OH SNAP. I just saw the teaser for Drinky Crow Show!!! Episodes with an S!

Bubblegum Fantasy Shit

2008-11-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

My unshakable fortitude of positivity and well-being lurched backwards this morning. And bent forward again, coughing up blood. Spatter on the concrete. Carved a smile on my face and said, 'no, it was a wonderful dream.'

It was a pathetic sort of dream in a marshmallowy simple romantic way. It's the sort of dream I have to laugh uncomfortably as I'm telling you to show how much it doesn't mean to me.

I had a dream that I went to the grocery store with Vlad to pick out a cantaloupe (and two peaches, which has less personal meaning, but perhaps more Freudian meaning) - then we went home and ate it together, sitting on a bed. Heh.

I can't be anything but ridiculous, no matter how hard I try. Dreaming of a world where I'm not allergic to cantaloupe and where Vlad likes me.

The only thing keeping me sane is awesome artwork by Alexander and his friends at the Red Bear Dead forums/website. I heart his aesthetic.

Also, SPACED is the best TV show ever. Simon Pegg is a genius.

Wonderful World of Linux

2008-11-12T23:34:00.000-08:00

So I've officially switched over to linux. I've never run anything but Windows, all the way back since 3.0.... oh, nostalgia.

The one downside to linux.. I f-ing HATE firefox. HATE it. I can't wait until Google Chrome comes out with the linux-compatible release. Those people need to get off their smarmy bean bag office chairs and make it already!

My life is fantastically boring sometimes.

Diamonds and Perl

2008-11-11T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm programming Perl for fun... you know what that means. Good Stephanie has won.

I'm changing my major to Bioinformatics. Oh noes my school doesn't have a Bioinformatics program. What ever shall I do~? Blow this popsicle stand.

To be continued...

I bought a book the other day from a store that went out of business. It's an etiquette book written in the 50s. Oh ho ho ho it's sooo hilarious.

For instance:

"It is only human for a man to want his secretary to be neat, attractive, and, if possible, pretty. He has to look at her all day long. But the more attractive she is, the more, for his own and her protection, he must treat her with careful, polite objectivity."

Hehehe. This book is 738 pages long. I picked it up in the store thinking it was either a dictionary or a bible.

"If the family breakfasts weekend mornings in dressing gowns, pajamas, nightgowns, you are free to do so too. But don't take the informality so much to heart that you fail to comb your hair, wash your face and teeth, and generally make yourself attractive. No woman should appear too negligee or with her hair unarranged and her face unmade-up, if she's in the habit of using make-up - and most of us are."

And it goes on and on. Solid gold.

Eyes Wide Shut

2008-11-08T02:43:00.000-08:00

Alice: Maybe we should be grateful that we survived all our adventures whether they were real or only a dream.

Bill: Are you sure about that?

Alice: Um. Well. Only as sure as I am that the reality of one night alone out of a whole lifetime can never be the whole truth.

Bill: And no dream is ever just a dream.

Alice: Mmm. The important thing is, we're awake now and hopefully for a long time to come.

Bill: Forever.

Alice: Forever?

Bill: Forever.

Alice: Let's not use that word. It frightens me. But I do love you.

..I love when movies complement my thoughts so superbly. Oh, Stanley Kubrick.

Delerium Take Me

2008-11-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

I figured it out. I know what this feeling is. I'm sane again... or else quite insane again. I'm not the best judge of character.

Anyways...
Things are going to change around here. Oh man, I feel like I just woke up.

I had this dream last night and it made so much sense. I'm worried that Ali's cult leader may have subconsciously brain-washed me. Heheh. But no, I'm fairly sure this is me. I feel more me than I have in years.

I had this dream where I spoke to someone who told me simple things I've always known.... but it's different when you hear these things from someone else, even if it's your own voice inside a dream. I wish I could remember it now more clearly. The environment was very bohemian and victorian at the same time. I can only remember tiny details, but it created a large impression. It was an insane dream.

It made me see how strongly I want to rearrange reality. I think that I haven't been very happy lately. I'm going to fix that. And not just the symptoms.

How long until this isn't true either?

2008-11-06T23:29:00.000-08:00

Ever since that weird yoga naked-day in the mountains, I've been pretty f-ing mellow. Can't decide if I'm happy, sad, or just too mellow to be either one. I'm really carefully watching myself. I don't know why I'm so suspicious. I can't trust that this isn't a calm before a storm.

I think things are going ..well. I feel like I'm waiting for something devastating or possibly magnificent to happen. I poked around on borrowed passwords the other day, putting in a little espionage time. No harm, no foul there. Nothing upsetting. Nothing new. I still miss him, in a more and more abstract way every passing month.

I keep pleading with Delirium to take me. And maybe I have snapped. I feel like driving to LA this weekend...... but I probably won't. Because I'm playing hard to get. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*sigh*

...

/red wine

Obama FTW!

2008-11-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

Oh snap. That's all.

Halloween 08

2008-11-03T00:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a strange weekend. I finished my Harley Quinn costume (barely) in time for Halloween. It turned out pretty sweet even though I didn't finish the head piece and the diamonds were hot-glued on.

I won first place at a costume contest. Won a free pint glass with infinite refills between 12-1AM, which was sort of a bad prize honestly. It came down to me being able to bring as much liquor to the table in one hour as we could drink. Two friends were downing beer like water, trying to squeeze in as much free victory booze as possible. One of those ended up crashing her bike. She didn't even make it out of the parking lot. Poor kid.

Next day bike-crash-friend and I went to her boyfriend's place in Berkley - which turned out to be pretty wild. The party ended in a broken chair, a broken thermostat, and Sharpie on Dimitri's face. One guy was dressed up like Dave Chapelle's crack-head character with a broken car stereo and white powder on his lips. Funny as hell guy. Pretty too. Left the party early - c'est la vive. I was one of the only people who got his costume, surprisingly. He didn't get mine. Also talked to this guy from the Midwest with crazy messed up teeth, which I stared at intently while he chatted me up. He probably thought I was an asshole. I've been too awkward in public lately - I think I've lost too much weight and too much sleep and my brain doesn't work any more.

Went to sleep that night around 4. Woke up at 11 to meet with Ali and drive back home. Little did Jerry and I know that we would be taking an all-day detour to a nudist hippy commune up north of Napa. Ali and her boyfriend might have joined a cult. Not too sure about that. I played along as best I could, trying my damdest to not mind the nudity part. People say that nudity makes them feel free and childlike.... I do not get that.

Naked in public is never something I will be into. I'm not an exhibitionist on any level. It's funny too because I'm totally comfortable with my body, it isn't that. I simply have no desire to see random people naked and I have no desire for random people to see me naked. I really don't feel like clothing is an imposition of societal pressures. People say that public nudity is not sexual... but I think it's an encroachment upon intimacy if nothing else. Maybe that just shows my disconnect with humanity. I suppose people who feel comfortable with public nudity feel an intimate connection with people in a general sense.

Anyways this place has mineral pools of various temperatures where people hang out. We also did yoga there for what seemed like 3 hours - and clothing was required there, thank God. I really do not want to see naked middle-aged people doing positions like downward dog or happy baby. Haha. The yoga was great. Ali's friend showed us acrobatic tricks afterwards. She let me do one position with her where she laid on her back with her feet in the air and I did a back-bend into her feet. This resulted in her supporting my body by the small of my back with her feet and nothing else. It gave the feeling of suspension, with hands and feet hanging in the air, looking up at the sky. It was quite possibly the greatest sensation I've had in a long time. This was the high part of the trip.

The place was truly beautiful, nestled in the wooded hills and mountains of the Calistoga region. It was raining, which made the place even more strange and ethereal. Overall, it was total culture shock compared with the night before. I feel pretty mellow now, all that yoga really helped my head.

Return to Sender

2008-10-26T02:59:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel more and more like damaged goods. It made me uncomfortable to read a romantic scene in a book today. That's never happened before. I feel like parts of my brain are rusting over and I don't know what to do about it.

People stare at me blankly when I try to communicate my problem. Nonchalantly they tell me I could waltz into any bar and pluck a man like fruit from low branches and devour him. Which sounds sort of sexy when I rework their words here... but regardless. This is such a silly idea. People here didn't see me in high school or middle school.... it takes an indescribable amount of will to look at people's eyes. I'm so damned afraid of people, that I have to develop a multiple personality disorder to maintain an illusion of social normalcy.

My two halves are straining against one another. One needs to be coaxed from the rafters after 3 vodka shots while the other practices the Perl programming assignments from class ..for fun.

I think I'm having an identity crisis. It's becoming difficult managing both personalities - one wakes up early for class and the other stays out til 2AM. It's wearing me out. I'm tired. God, I could use some company from that perfect dark-haired boy that's lived in my dreams for the past 3 years or so.... haven't seen him in a while.

Maybe I should try to arrange that....

zzz

Devil May Not Care

2008-10-25T03:39:00.000-07:00

I've been watching an anime series called Soul Eater. HIGHLY recommended.. it's like a love child of Naruto (action), Bleach (theme), and FLCL (cheekiness).

There's one character with OCD. He obsesses on bilateral symmetry and perfect aesthetic. It inspired me to indulge a little and I shaped and buffed 2 toenails for about an hour.... at which point I gave up and painted them all. Silver.

The prettiest boy that I went to high school with started talking to me randomly on facebook. Shortly after breaking up with his girlfriend. I don't know what to think about that. In high school he was a freshman when I was a senior plus I had my pockets full loving my very favorite x-boyfriend.. so little Andrew was filed away under 'untouchable' and cross-referenced to 'unthinkable'.

In a (highly Freudian) attempt to make a film in high school he agreed to play the part of a character written for Vlad. I followed him around with a video camera for a few days. His friends thought I was weird. *crooked smile*

I often wonder if my film project had anything at all to do with his choice to pursue acting as a career... or if that was always his dream. I've never had the guts to ask. Cuz if it had nothing at all to do with me I'd feel pretty stupid for asking.

Of dragons and vampires...

2008-10-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

I finished the book I was reading. New Moon by Stephenie Meyer (I don't know why she insists on misspelling her name).

I don't know if everyone does this but when I finish a book I like to stare at the wall and process it in its entirety. In that moment, upon finishing New Moon, I thought to myself. "Huh, the only reasonable explanation is that Vlad is a vampire." The resemblance is just uncanny. I wonder if she could be a fan of my blog. HA!

Most of all it makes me feel a twinge of regret, if I could feel such a thing. Bella got it right in New Moon where I failed in real life. If I could only have verbalized the source of my pain accurately.. maybe he would understand.

It brings back a conversation with my 'dragon' coworker so many years ago, one night after the closing shift at Hollywood Video. "I don't think Vlad will be in your life forever. I don't see that as his role." "What is his role then, asshole?" "I think.... he's going to stop you from doing something you want, something not good for you, becoming a vampire. When he leaves it will be for your own good."

I looked at David then with a half smirk, not surprised by his outrageous claims - which I expected and was secretly fond of. I think I was the only person at the video store who could tolerate him. I really liked our nocturnal conversations about the occult and insane things we both loved. And I could never see an end to Vlad and my relationship so the comment never offended me.

David was right about one thing... I do want an eternity of my own... if only that were the reason he was ignoring me. Heh.

I don't intend for this post to go in a melodramatic direction... I only thought how funny it was that my immediate reaction was 'vlad must be a vampire'. Heh. The impaler.... That used to be funny.

I saw you standing alone.

2008-10-18T03:36:00.000-07:00

I went to a drag show today (queens not cars) and I was an emo boy for the occasion. Taped up and everything. Not that it's too hard to pull off flat chested, she said with joy in self-mockery.

I started reading New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. Vampire novels written by someone named Stephanie. It's uncanny how much it resembles my life (minus the vampires, sadly). Especially the second book. I have dry tears on my face from all the self-pity the book brings to the surface.

I feel like I know what's going to happen next, not because the books are predictable, but because they've already happened.

"I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition. Even my outsides looked different - my face sallow, white except for the purple circles the nightmares had left under my eyes..."

October. The months fall like leaves against a painted backdrop. Everything is fake now. And I can only sit and pretend to find the falling leaves beautiful. But it sends a chill down me, into my soul. That this could last for eternity....

Year by year. Like the last 4. Each one of those were broken up by a summer. Those rare sunny days spent in LA or frantically in front of a computer monitor, struggling to resist the manic urge to dance. Sometimes not resisting the urge to dance in a grocery store or somewhere equally public and embarrassing. This was the first year without a summer. A whole year dead.

As I read New Moon, a voice inside me screams out "Come back!" I just read 140 pages more than I intended hoping Edward would return to Bella, so that I could sleep. These books have made the Vlad nightmares return. Always out of reach. Searching dreams. Dreams without hope. There's 2 more books in the series though, so I know that he'll return eventually. Fairy tale endings and whatnot....

October Already?

2008-10-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

I've started making Halloween costumes for Jerry and myself. He still has that new roommate smell. I can't believe it's October again already. Jerry's going to be some character Ike from a video game and also in the new Smash Brothers game which I haven't played yet. I'm going to be Harley Quinn from the animated Batman series.... for many reasons.

1. I love Batman villains. I would rather be catwoman, but my spider senses tell me that Christopher Nolan is going to put her in the next movie (please please please) and I will do that costume next year.

2. It has come to my attention that I do Harley's voice well.

3. With Dark Knight coming out this summer, there will undoubtedly be a ton of Jokers. And I look forward to going up to random strangers and saying things like "There you are Mistah J. I was so worried about you puddin'. Why haven't you called?" And then scamper off with arms flailing. Aaaah yes, I can see it all now.

Gotta find joy in the little things. Coz there's nothing else left to stave off the cold. It's wearing thin, yes. Lot's of parties recently. Ended up in Jeff's bed last week, after months of inactivity on that front. Better judgment or fear made me get up and leave. He pushed me down on the couch playfully in a desperate attempt to stop me from leaving. It almost worked. I don't understand him. I don't understand men. Jeff won't sleep with me, he just tries to get me in bed, then psyches himself out on moral grounds because he has a girlfriend he doesn't like but won't break up with. I'm so bored with that.

All work and all play make Steph a tired girl. Too tired to care about boyfriends or serial killers or returning phone calls or facebook profiles or drug addict family members.

I want to be a super villain. Or morally neutral like Aeon Flux. Oh.. or maybe I already am and Jeff is Trevor Goodchild. That's why we will never be together... hehe... that does make me feel better about the situation strangely......

Four More Days

2008-09-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Only 4 more days to vote! Rock my vote bitchiz.

So I went to Texas, just got back. Jerry lives with me temporarily, which is nice. We will do such fun mischievous things.

Google Chrome, their spiffed out browser, is awesome. It took me a long time to become aware of its existence. Because of the google toolbar, I very rarely go to their homepage - where their ad for Chrome was located. This browser kicks ass though. Seriously. One thing I like is the auto-spell check function for all fill boxes. Hilariously, it does not recognize the word 'google'.

I'm a bit jet lagged and over-caffeinated so I don't know what to do with myself. Jerry's asleep. Hmmm we made a single-serving friend on the airplane. I don't normally talk to people on airplanes. Well, actually I never talk to people on airplanes, and I realize I'm missing the unique opportunity to meet interesting people in a controlled environment and make up fantastic stories. If you've never found yourself compulsively lying to strangers, I highly recommend it.

Ok I'm tired of blogging. Good night.

Nude No More

2008-09-11T02:10:00.000-07:00

I am so full of maniacal laughter. I never finish anything ever. ANYTHING.

But I did it. I submitted a design to Threadless. I can't believe I actually did it...

Vote for me!!!!!!

Almost Contented

2008-09-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

I've never found myself out of pursuit. I've constantly been in a state of pursuit since I was in preschool where I met a little boy named Gordon who I replaced the name of God with in the pledge of allegiance to our flag of the united states, one nation, under 'Gord'. Hehe unintentionally, of course - I wasn't that clever or romantic at 4 and a half. Before I even knew what to do with a boy I knew I wanted companionship from one of these strange humorous creatures. Kindergarten was Blake. First grade was Marshall. Then Brandon and David and Clayton. Changed schools and met Austin. The internet gave me Vlad. Tyler, so briefly. Anthony. Zack. Jeff.

Now I'm at a point in my life that I'm not romantically attracted to anyone. At least, when that feeling comes, I violently scold myself. There are so many reasons why I am not attracted to Jeff. There is not enough space in this blog to describe my faults with him - the greatest being his pathetic idea of relationships including his current one. And Vlad, my feelings will never change, but I have to bury all of that deep, deep deep down. Approaching the one year anniversary of silence. I try to be mad about it or hurt, but it's just so strange that curiosity outweighs any other emotion. Why would anyone stop talking to me without reason for one year and block any possible communication?

You treat me like a disease.

Maybe I am.

And I don't stop til you're dead. It's just.. I thought things were getting better.

I went to a wedding this weekend and it was ridiculously fun. The ceremony was in a backyard and lasted maybe 12 minutes. The reception was 3 days of partying in Reno. A lot of dancing. A lot of gambling. I learned how to play Roulette - and I really like it. I always thought a Vegas or Reno wedding sounded really tacky, but I am converted. That was the best wedding I've ever been to.

I almost got choked up during minute 8 or 9 of the wedding but I realized I was feeling sorry for myself. It made me feel like a dick, so I took a long drink and choked that down. Damn those two people love eachother. I want that. It reminded me of a pure love. It made my jokes about wedding crashing and trying to sleep with the groomsman with blonde hair seem less funny.

I think the funniest thing anyone has said to me recently was "Hello the pretiest girl in the whole world. Will you be around for christmas? I will let you touch my butt, but that's all. I don't want to have a relationship with you."

Hehe... my drunk friend who apologized the next day "I'm sorry I called you beautiful, I was drunk" which would be an offensive thing for anyone to say. Somehow he gets away with saying things like that. It just comes across as funny and charming somehow. I like odd people.

Habits

2008-08-27T23:38:00.000-07:00

I was jonesing for the blog until I resuscitated it. Lately I've been too busy.

Doing what? you may ask. I'm learning the tarot. I made two pairs of pants. I'm addicted to Bravo reality shows. I finished Neil Gaiman's 'Fragile Things.' I'm writing a book... that can only be described as a wanna-be Neil Gaiman story.... with vampires. For a long time I've wanted to make a comic book about vampires that was funny. A comic about people who happened to be vampires. Then I realized I'm too damn lazy to ever finish more than 3 consecutive pages of a comic. So I'm writing a 'novel.' If I could spend as much time writing as I do blogging, I could write a book in a year or two I think. I really want to write about immortality as a realistic condition, without it being full of the angst common to a lot of vampire work. The main character is in love with life and finding new ways to enjoy it after 700 years. His best friend and roommate is a new vampire, only 30 years immortal, and he is reaching the 'angsty' phase. During the course of the story, my main character will create a vampire and she will have to start from zero. I'm not going for the 'vampire as a blood disorder' angle either - there will still be a little fantasy, without focusing on fantasy.

Action, romance, comedy, with as little drama and morality as possible.

I spend too much time falling in love with my characters and tend to forget the purpose of plot. I'm trying not to get fatalistic and say things like "i'll let you read the draft when it's finished sometime between 1 year and never."

I feel good about this life right now. I had a little bit of post-traumatic stress after the ..situation. I'm not letting it consume my life. I feel like all the negatives in my life (mid-level anxiety, no cash for coffee tomorrow, 5 pounds excess weight in the thigh region) could all be solved by one simple thing.

A man.

Heh. Stiiiill waiting on that train. I've been sitting in this station for nearly a year, you know just reading. Running down the tracks waving my arms didn't do any good. Where's that FUCKING train!!?!?!

I had a really depressing dream the other day. Two men jumped me while I was getting into my car one night and they shoved me in the back of a van. I had a cell phone. I sat there staring at it. It all went too fast, I wouldn't be able to describe the truck to the police and I didn't know where they were heading. It wouldn't do any good. I considered calling my mom. I had to anguish over the decision to call her and tell her I love her one last time, which would upset her and make her feel utterly helpless and terrified. Then again, there would be a finality for my family if they knew I was dead without having desperate and ultimately disappointing hope. I ended up calling Jeff because .... I don't really know but it seemed like a good idea to call a man. He didn't believe that I was actually about to die, because he would surely not be the person I would call if I was dying. He had a point. After I hung up with him I only had 5 minutes before the truck stopped. I never got the chance to call my mom. The two men pulled me out of the truck in a long three sided concrete garage (like a truck receiving bay) with a chair and rope in the corner. I broke free for a moment and ran, but was caught. I struggled hopelessly, desperately, like a trapped animal. And then I just cried. I wasn't ready to die. It was all very realistic. It made me uncomfortable for two days afterwards.

Processing dreams are no fun. Where's the good escapist dreams?

Where's my dark-haired dream lover?

And, seriously, where's that damn train..... I've checked my watch 786 times this year, but it doesn't seem to be coming.

Rebirth

2008-08-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

What is it that they say in airports? Threat level has been raised to code orange, please report any suspicious activities or persons to airport security. This is orange. Last week it was red. High alert.

Thanks to those who were concerned. If you missed it, there's a drug addict psychopath whose been planning my demise for six years in ways that cannot be described here. Sick twisted fuck. He's being watched. If he moves, well... he won't.

In the mean time, I'm undergoing the process to get licenced to carry. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while. Then Darren can feel free to come and get me.

It's been driving me crazy all this shit going on. I want to tell everyone and at the same time I don't want to talk about it. I just want people to acknowledge this is really fucked up. And then that's all. I don't want people to worry about me. I'm a valkyrie, I can shoot to kill. My dad's sending me poetry about fear and ... I swear to God I wanted to scream. Biting my tongue until it bleeds because he's paying my registration fees .... and likely sending me one of his 38's. I have to be nice. I am not a damsel in distress.

On the flip side... I have never been closer to my real dad, Andy. It's funny. He's the only one who understands this part of me. My mom is a girl. She can't help that. She is a damsel in distress with a baby. My dad expects me to be the same way. He was shocked when I told him I wanted my CCW. And honestly it was Andy's idea. Andy understands my paranoia, which is an obsession with being ready for the worst. He understands my capability to protect life by taking another's. He talks about our Choctaw heritage, which he describes as "nice, but do not FUCK with us" and he emphasizes FUCK. He talks about his misguided anger and frustration at life, suicidal depression, and a desire to live forever all in the same sentance. And I understand exactly what he means.

I never saw that coming. That dumb bitch in elementary school was right when she said "someday you're gonna want to know about your real dad." And I retorted with the elementary equivalent of 'fuck off': "Whatever. I doubt it."