St. Valentine, you cad.

It feels like I broke up with two people this week, and each made the other easier to deal with. Of course I haven't broken up with anyone for years. Kosta broke up with me, not the other way around, even though he's begging me to come back now. Heh, and he said we have nothing in common. I also have permanently dissolved the Vlad fantasy after six years of nonsense. 'Dissolved it, really?', you might ask. 'but that's the one habit you really excel at.'

Yes, yes I know. I know. But for the first time I see that I am defeated and with no strategy for victory I am forced to withdraw the troops and pull resources out of that sector of my mind. That shit is Vietnam and I'm ready to quit. Who's going to play Iraq in my tasteless extended metaphor?

Anyways...

I'm trying to be excited about New York. I want to leave and I don't want to leave. I've always relied on 'divine nonchalance', thanks to the Jejune Institute I know what to call it now... The idea that, in life, you can always close your eyes and lean back. You will inevitably be carried in the right direction. It's a frightening thing to do sometimes. And it requires that you abandon the illusion of control, which is easier said than done.

I just need to keep myself out of a relationship until July which will be difficult because I am fantastically lonely right now. And I know exactly where to find flesh for comfort. How do you refuse the food when you are starving? How do you refuse the wine? The cigarette?